An Unforgettable Hope: A letter to myself

Quote of the day~ "Why is it that when the story ends we begin to feel all of it?"

~Unknown

When you first began writing this blog in March, you intended to inform your readers about the non-black-and-white nature and existence of eating disorders in addition to explaining what it's like to live with one. You intended to accomplish these goals journalistically and interview people within the Bowling Green and Western Kentucky University community about their experiences. You did not intend for your blog to become a therapeutic outlet, and for the details of your eating disorder struggles to begin living outside of the pages of your journal and find a life in the digital world.

A photo I took of myself in the Student Publications bathroom on Friday, April 22.

What I want you to know is that there is hope and a shining light at the end of the tunnel. Some days will be better than others, and you'll finish three entire meals. Others you'll be so stressed about school, boy drama and your grandmother's increasingly dire battle with cancer that eating will be the last thing on your mind. You will be so stressed and anxious about living that you will nearly pass out in classes like the journalism one you're writing this blog for, the only class you've enjoyed this semester. You will shake with nerves while your mind rattles with the fear of the unknown, and although you aren't hungry, your mind, suffering from a battle of never-ending thoughts, will feel it. You will feel as if your brain is crashing, and you will realize then that you haven't eaten in close to 18 hours.

Your dad will call abruptly during your class because he's worried about the message you sent to him and your mother about how you've experienced crippling anxiety the past week, and while you're on the phone in the Chick-fil-A line, he will tell you that you need to breathe, eat and calm down. He will ask if you've drank an exceptional amount of coffee lately, and when you say no (and realize you're suffering from caffeine withdrawal from all the times you've substituted coffee for meals), he'll remind you that everything in life happens differently than you expect. You'll go to your dorm room, still on the phone with your dad, and try and eat Chick-fil-A, your go-to, "I-don't-feel-like-eating" meal, and, finally, you'll be able to breathe again. You'll lay on top of your bed, close your eyes and try and take a midday nap, something you only do during the summer because stressorexia consumes you, and you're always too busy to relax.

'Everything happens differently than you expect,' you'll think as you drift off to sleep.

***

A photo of Bowling Green City Hall, located in downtown Bowling Green, Kentucky, where my peers and I were tasked with reporting on a Board of Commissioners meeting.

Still, you'll have days where your friends will notice your habits even when you don't, and their worries will boil to the surface. This may look like one of your best friends, Ragan, asking you to grab dinner with her off-campus and letting you pick which restaurant because she knows you're a picky eater and will pick over anything that's not your favorite. She will also suggest you grab a shake at BG Shakery, and it will feel like a celebratory treat saying, "Congrats! You did it! You ate and finished a meal." You'll have other days where you'll act like a tourist on your walk to Bowling Green City Hall from the downtown square with your friends to gain more journalistic experience in hopes that you'll someday evolve into a true reporter. After the city hall meeting, you'll go with your two closest friends in the class on a trip to Spencer's to order a hot Chai latte for the second time that day and then to Mellow Mushroom, where the three of you will all order a Holy Shiitake Pie pizza.

A selfie I took with Ellie and Amelia, my two closest friends in intermediate reporting, on our way to Bowling Green City Hall.

And, yes, you will think to yourself that maybe your effort to try and live---try and eat---was futile because when you get back to your dorm, you'll deliver the two remaining slices of your four-slice pizza to two of your friends who are working the Gilbert Hall desk. Yes, you will think to yourself that the victory you experienced in eating in front of and with your friends is counteracted by what happened earlier in the day, when your friend *Cade (not his real name) asked you to meet him at the newly opened library and how he asked you repeatedly to try some of his coffee cake from Spencer's and how you refused his offers four different times before he finally understood it was time for him to let go.

***

A few days later you'll attend a party for fellow peer tutors and student desk assistants, and you'll be surprised at how you choose to eat there as well. You will find yourself eating a full plate instead of saying you aren't hungry or emphasizing how much you dislike Mexican food (it isn't a lie, but it is an excuse). You'll watch as one of your co-workers dances around eating, and when she insists to your boss, who is aware of your struggle with disordered eating, that she isn't hungry, you'll wonder if she, too, struggles with an eating disorder. One of your other co-workers, a guy, will comment on how you sat down at the table with a second plate, which is also full of traditional Mexican dishes, and his words will sting a little because you hear an ounce of judgment.

This incident will remind you of how people around you see eating disorders as a dichotomy: even when you eat enough, you're still eating too much, and when you eat what they view as too little, they assume you aren't eating at all. But you will surprise yourself further and continue to eat, and your boss, who knows about your friend Cade and how you feel as though he tries to force you to eat, will remark in congratulation, "See? You can eat!" You will eat ice cream later that evening in addition to your third and final meal, a fruit cup and fries from Chick-fil-A, and you'll feel ecstatic about the fact that you not only tried to eat, but you succeeded in doing so.

The next day, Saturday, you'll wake up, get ready and leave to grab lunch with your best friend, Jen. You won't object to eating Subway, a place with food that's not on your "When you don't want to eat, eat this" list because it's her favorite restaurant on campus. You will eat your entire six-inch, toasted turkey and American cheese sandwich on Italian bread in addition to two chocolate chip cookies. You will eat it all in one setting while sitting with Jen, and this will feel normal. Later, you will sit at your desk at the Student Publications office and eat a macaroni and cheese bowl, your favorite, and ice cream while writing this blog post. You will have thoughts on your mind as to what you will eat for dinner because the contemplation of skipping a meal is not on your mind. It seems silly.

A selfie I took in a bathroom at DSU because I felt confident despite wearing shorts, which I usually hate.

You will wonder maybe if the reason you've retained a healthy eating schedule the last few days is that you've marked 27 things off of your 37-item, never-ending weekend to-do list. You will wonder if this pattern will last longer than your productivity, but you will decide that this is a problem for another day. Sitting in the office on a beautiful April evening, you will feel comfortable about yourself, your ability to get work done and even how you look in shorts, which aren't jeans but are a close relative and not a dress or skirt.

Though you didn't expect your blog to become an extension of your eating disorder struggle, you will realize you have now found an unforgettable hope in your ability to overcome it.